my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
