if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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