I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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