I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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