I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I don't deserve a penis
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
