I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There r osticjed everywhere
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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