Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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