I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
