hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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