I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
