I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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