i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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