you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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