who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
