A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize