"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
