We won't sleep together?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
