Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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