wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
this hospital has no fireball
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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