All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
