my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
