Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
