Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
