Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
