Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We got so high we made milksteak
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
