it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
