I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
