Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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