i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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