I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
