just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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