Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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