nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
