Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're like the curious george of whores
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
