Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
