I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
