The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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