Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
