dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
