I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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