Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
two words: eviction party
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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