Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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