I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
where are my eyebrows?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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