Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
