So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
