i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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