You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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