Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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