Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
