please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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