watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
