I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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