There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
