Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
