Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it wasn't lemon gatorade
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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