Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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