so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize