but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
