my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
