i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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