Don't make out with my wife yet
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
