i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
