Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
