That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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